Navigating grief and loss

Over the past month, I've had the privilege of providing support to our Responders in my role as Volunteer Support Manager. A strong theme that has emerged in recent weeks, both in my role and in my personal life, and it revolves around the complex and often unspoken topics of grief and loss. Sunday 9th September is World Suicide Prevention Day and it is a cause that we choose to highlight and support year on year.

While these subjects still carry a sense of taboo, I strongly believe in the necessity of open conversations about them. I'm not just referring to the subject of death itself, but also to the experiences tied to the anticipation or anniversary of loss, the pain of death by suicide, the void left by a lost job, and the struggle with a loss of meaning and identity. 

Whether you've reached out for support or not, I'd like to share a few insights that could be valuable. And if you haven't yet opened up to someone, I hope that this article inspires you to do so.

Grief and loss touch all of us in some way, and our responses are as unique as we are. There are loads of misconceptions surrounding the process of dealing with grief. People are quick to say ‘time heals all wounds’ or ‘just focus on the positive’, but they don't always ring true. Grief is a complicated and multi-layered emotion, and how we navigate it is influenced by many factors.

What connects grief and loss?

In our journey through life, we encounter losses of varying impact. Some elicit disappointment, sadness, anger, or shame. Others barely register, allowing us to move forward without much thought. Then there are losses that cut deep, the ones that bring us to grieve. What sets grief apart is the depth of love and significance we've assigned to what's been lost. The more we cherish or need that person, place, or thing, the more profound and enduring our experience of grief becomes. 

Grief is the profound sadness and anguish triggered by a significant loss, whether real or perceived. Loss, on the other hand, signifies the breaking of a bond with someone, somewhere, something, or even an idea or belief that is integral to our lives.

How do we navigate grief?

There isn't a one-size-fits-all solution; everyone must find their own way. Frameworks like Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages of Grief or William Rando's 6 R Processes of Mourning provide stages to consider, though they are often more circular than linear. Grief is a personal, fluid experience, meaning some of us might never entirely move past certain stages. People can skip steps or travel back and forth through them.

We're experts at avoiding grief using various means, including claiming to be ‘fine, keeping overly busy and using what we can to numb or anaesthetise the pain.

So, how can we work through it?

• Embrace your humanity. Acknowledge that it's okay to feel vulnerable.
• Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself.
• Allow the full experience. Give yourself permission to confront the emotions and pain.
• Embrace forgiveness. Learn to forgive or choose forgiveness.
• Rewrite the narrative. Recreate the story of your relationship with what's been lost.
• Harness creativity. Utilise creative outlets like journaling, poetry, art, music, or more.
• Seek support. Engage with bereavement groups, friends, family or therapy.
• Get outside. Spend time in nature.
• Communicate your needs. Talk to those around you, so they can support you.

How can we help others?

Based on research, here are 7 things a grieving person should know:

1. You are loveable even when you are a confused mess.
2. Crying is a gift.
3. Almost every thought, feeling, and behaviour is the appropriate reaction to what just happened.
4. You are NOT alone.
5. People are uncomfortable with grieving people.
6. No matter how bad it is, you will get through it. Things will get better.
7. It takes as long as it takes.

You may ask the question: When is it ever going to end or go away? The truth is that it won’t. It will shift, it will change and there will be better days. You'll discover new ways to cope. It won’t go completely, but it will get better.

Remember, you are not walking this path alone. There are some amazing charities that can help you if you need to talk to someone or get further support. 

• Help to find a therapist: BAD CO, BACP therapist directory
• Specialist bereavement support: At a Loss and Winstons Wish.
  
• When you just want someone to talk to: https://www.samaritans.org/